


Sexy ways to get your man

by starseverywhere



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Cosmo - Freeform, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-20
Updated: 2011-06-20
Packaged: 2017-10-20 14:33:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/213783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starseverywhere/pseuds/starseverywhere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve listens to Kono and Cosmo. You tell me how well that works out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sexy ways to get your man

Wei Ming Shek was not the smartest criminal they’d ever had to chase down. It was why she was currently face down on the grimy warehouse floor, hands cuffed behind her with Danny berating her on how she was lucky to be coming out of this with just a couple of scrapes and bruises after having the temerity to come at his partner with something sharp and rusty. Steve, on the other hand, was watching this from the back of an ambulance and was at the point where he was considering putting the paramedic in a headlock so he'd be left alone.

It didn't take Danny too long to notice this and he abandoned the hapless Wei Ming to the uniforms and stormed over to Steve.  
“Seriously? you've been stabbed with a rust and germ encrusted broken bit of whatever the hell they made in here and you're fighting going to get it checked out?”

“Danny, it's just a scratch and it's not even bleeding that badly anymore, besides there are grenades hidden somewhere in here and I'm best placed to deal with them if there are any complications, “ Steve replied, looking earnest.

Danny grudgingly accepted that this might be true, “But first thing we're doing as soon as everything's squared away is getting you to a doctor, I really don't feel like dealing with you if get tetanus. And just so we're clear, I'm counting any grenades and if any turn up missing, we're going to have a long chat about inappropriate ordnance to carry about your person.”

That was how Steve found himself, three hours later, sitting in a waiting room surrounded by mothers and children in various states of distress as they waited to be called in at a vaccination clinic. Steve had been there for a while and harassing the stressed reception staff hadn't achieved anything except for making one of them cry so he'd sat down again and was now in a staring contest with a toddler with snot and the remains of a meal smeared on its face. The child was winning. When its mother turned and glared at him, he decided that admitting defeat was the best option and started to shuffle through the magazines scattered across the table.

He avoided the Reader's Digest due to some really unhealthy looking stains on the cover, rejected a couple of luridly colored magazines with paparazzi shots of semi naked women on the cover and settled on Cosmopolitan, only because he'd seen Catherine reading it once and it was big and solid enough to act as a shield if it looked like bodily fluids were about to start flying.

Steve skimmed over articles on how to get a beach body, eyeshadow to suit your face shape and 10 ways to tell if your man is a Mommy's boy before discovering something with images he was sure had been published in Playgirl before and subtly titled 'How to drive your man wild'.

While he definitely approved of the suggestion of waiting until no-one is around and then flashing them, he wasn't really sure what breaking out into an impromptu tango in the kitchen while preparing dinner would achieve. He turned and glared at the infant that kept lurching towards him, mouth open and pink ribbons spread around her head like a small and damp Medusa. Her mother met his eyes and smiled coyly, “Best thing I ever did was leaving my copy of Cosmo around for Clive to read. I can't tell you what a difference it made, it's like a different marriage now. Best advice anyone's ever given me was in those pages and I have 10 friends who'd agree with me. Your girlfriend's a lucky woman if you're paying attention to that,” she said, gesturing at the article. Steve blinked a couple of times but was saved from responding more than a muttered 'thanks' by being called into see the doctor.

It was later that night, with the team over for 'hey! no-one died today' drinks when he was watching Danny trying to drunkenly and gracefully climb into the hammock by the beach that he realised that there might be more to this painfully fond feeling that was crushing his chest than just your usual bond between partners.

“Oh holy crap,” he said, and paled slightly.

“What's that boss?” Kono asked, plonking herself down beside him on the sand and handing him a beer.

“Nothing!” he exclaimed, far too forcefully.

Kono saw where he was looking and smiled gently, “I was wondering when you were going to cotton on.”

Steve blanched again and looked at her in horror. “How did you know? I didn't know, was I really that obvious?”

She reached over and patted him on the knee, “Don't worry dude, I'm a brilliant matchmaker, we'll have you two lovebirds sorted out in no time.” She grinned, a twinkle in her eye that gave Steve the sudden urge to run and hide.

He looked down at his hands and idly started peeling the label off his beer. “Ok, don't laugh at me, but I've never done this before.”

“What, with a guy?” Kono asked, a little too gleeful for Steve’s liking.

“No, no, there have been guys, it's just uh, you know, this whole wooing thing.”

“Wooing? Maybe that's where you're going wrong, stop using words like that and things will go way more smoothly.”

Steve sighed deeply and kept staring at his beer. It was a problem though, he'd had girlfriends at school, but it was always through notes or someone else telling him that Sarah liked him and then they were making out at the prom while someone distracted Mrs Nadak. And then he was in the SEALs and there were quick liaisons below-decks or in grimy tents or in bars off base. Occasionally even with the same person twice. Catherine was an exception, but more through convenience for both of them, feelings didn't really enter into it.

He sighed again and Kono thumped him on the shoulder. "No stress brah, Cinderella shall go to the ball.”

Steve wasn't sure how many beers they'd had after everyone else left when he mentioned Cosmo but Kono took to the idea with alarming speed. He wasn't even embarrassed when he told her that he'd stolen the copy from the doctor's office and they started to formulate a plan of attack.

“I just don't know what do to, I mean this says to undress in front of him, and I do that! I take my shirt off a lot. Should I take off my pants too? because I could do that, but you know, I don't always have time for laundry and sometimes going commando's just easier and I think that it might be a bit much, you know, in the middle of the office.” Steve asked, eyes wild and waving the slightly crumpled pages around furiously.

Kono looked thoughtful. “Maybe you're not stripping slow enough, this says to give him time to stare and appreciate. It also says to moisturise first, maybe you're not just shiny enough. We should find some oil.”

Steve woke up the next morning on the floor of his living room, wearing nothing but a pair of swimming trunks, and missing quite a large patch of hair from his chest. Kono was nowhere to be seen, but there was a note stuck to his abs apologising for trying to wax him with melted cheese. He swore and stomped upstairs to change.

 

In the bright light of day he read the plan that he and Kono had concocted again and cornered her in her office.

“Really Kono, you're sure this is a good idea? I mean, they refer to tall dark and handsome men as 'chocolate hunks' and some of these are making me kind of uncomfortable.”

She just gave him a withering stare. “Do you not trust in the power of Cosmo, Steve? Man up and lets get this show on the road.”

This was a bad idea. A magnificently, horrifically, enormously bad idea.

Chin had traced the drug dealers to a hideout in a ramshackle house on the outskirts of Honolulu and they'd geared up and headed out to see if they could find the one that shot their witness. The car ride over had been quieter than usual, but Steve was fairly sure that Danny put that down to the hangover he'd been nursing all day. When they got to the house, they'd split up, Danny taking the front door and Steve heading round the back. Up to that point it was just your run of the mill bust.

Kono and Cosmo had been pretty emphatic that men needed the opportunity to do some saving and while the magazine suggested letting him rescue you from a broken down car, she figured that a drug bust would work just as well. Steve stuck his head round the door and saw one of their perps sitting at the kitchen table and eating Frosted Flakes. He heard Danny yelling that the front rooms were clear and his footsteps heading towards the back of the house and that's when Steve decided to be monumentally stupid. He marched into the kitchen and quite deliberately fell over a chair. Their suspect was on his feet instantly, eyes wild and brandishing a spoon. Danny, alerted by the crash, came hurtling into the room, gun at the ready. He saw Steve on the floor and took the guy down with a flying tackle, hitting his head on the tiles and knocking him unconscious in the process.

Almost immediately he was at Steve's side, eyes and hands raking his body and searching for an injury. Steve groaned and let his eyes flutter open “Danny, you saved me.”

Danny's brows furrowed. He looked from the unconscious perp on the floor to Steve and back again. “Seriously? You got taken down by this clown? He weighs 100lbs soaking wet, is as high as a kite and was holding a spoon. What did he do, bop you on the head with it and you went over? There isn't even a mark on you.”

This wasn't going as planned. Steve tried groaning again and accidentally groped Danny as he got into a sitting position. Danny frowned and helped him to his feet “We can head to the hospital and get you checked over if you want?”

Steve shook his head a little too forcefully for someone who'd been complaining about an injury, “Nah man, I'll be fine. I just need a bit of a lie down, take me back to mine?”

Steve called Kono and Chin to organise getting the drug dealer booked and taken back to HPD and Kono only cackled wildly for 30 or so seconds. Steve made sure to walk as close to Danny as possible, pressing his arm into his side and occasionally stumbling and grabbing at Danny's ass for balance.

The journey back across the island was quiet. Steve had insisted Danny drive, and he kept sneaking concerned looks at Steve across the car. He managed to hold it in until they were through the front door of Steve's house. “I don't know what's up with you today. It's like you were taken over by aliens in the night. Getting drunk with Kono clearly does bad things to you.”

“I'm fine Danny, I just, uh, wow, is it hot in here?” Steve didn't wait for an answer but turned his back to Danny took his shirt off. Slowly. He dropped his badge onto the floor as he did and took extra care to bend over, tightening his glutes and shimmying a little as he stood back up. He turned to look over his shoulder at his partner and saw Danny standing there, frozen to the spot and mouth opening and closing soundlessly.

After a moment Danny gathered himself and threw his hands up in the air. “I do not have the energy to deal with you right now. I'm getting a beer,” and marched into the kitchen.

Steve took off his boots and padded barefoot and shirtless after him, having undone the top button on his pants and letting them hang low on his hips. He walked up behind Danny and pressed his body to his back as he reached into the fridge casually to get a beer for himself.

Danny whirled around, grabbing Steve by the arms and pushing him into the wall.  
“OK. What the everloving fuck is going on with you today? You come into work hungover and squirrel away with Kono, get mysteriously taken down on a bust and don't even seem angry about it, remove all your clothes and start rubbing on me and what the fuck happened to half your chest hair?!”

Steve looked up at Danny through his eyelashes and bit his bottom lip. “Danny, I... “ He shuffled a little from foot to foot and decided to throw caution to the wind as he stretched out and gently pressed his lips to Danny's cheek.

Danny blinked at him, then smiled and released his grip on Steve's biceps, running his hands down his arms until they were holding hands. “Let me get this straight. This was your idea of a seduction wasn't it?”

Steve flushed slightly and his face went blank. “Not entirely my idea, Kono helped, and that woman who said Cosmo had the best advice.”

“Cosmo, seriously? You thought that was the best way about things?”

“Kono said...”

Danny cut him off, “I have been head over heels for you for months you gigantic doofus, all you had to do was ask.” He released Steve's hands, reached up to cup his face and proceeded to kiss the hell out of him.

They pulled apart, chests heaving and Danny took a step back grinning smugly, “also, Kono totally knows I'm crazy about you, she's been fucking with you. Don't worry, we can get her back later. But first you need to show me that thing you wanted me to fix in your bedroom.”


End file.
